"In Iraq, a man believed to be a lieutenant of Osama bin Laden has released an audiocassette in which he reportedly mocks President Bush. So apparently he's running for president too, I guess."

-JAY LENO, during his "Tonight Show" monologue on NBC.

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"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement."

-David Letterman during his monologue on CBS's "The Late Show."